why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
