I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
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While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
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That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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