Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
