I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
