I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
