btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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