god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
