I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
