You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize