so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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