he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
