3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
