I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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