I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
