he wants to bone in the snuggie
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize