She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
