your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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