he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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