I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
