i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
