he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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