I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
