Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
