I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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