i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
