I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize
