Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
