a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
