I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just invented taco cereal.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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