I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize