Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
this beer tastes like vomit already
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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