There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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