please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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