is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
