Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
