my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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