I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
