Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
