just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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