my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
