I wanna passion pit in your ass
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
