I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
