he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize