Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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