I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
50% drunk capacity currently
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
