I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
