i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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