why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
