Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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