Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
