I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
it was like eating out sand paper
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
