This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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