Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
