She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
