i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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