Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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