How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
