I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Randomize
