She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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