Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Do vagina's smell?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
