saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
