also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
