Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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