my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
