well I can't set my house on fire every night
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
