had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
