I skipped work to stalk him.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
