Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
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We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
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I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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